A Life Changing Decision

mybaby

My son will be two this Friday, my doesn’t time go by fast. I remember sleepless nights and late night feedings like it was yesterday. I remember taking him to the zoo last year on my birthday, happy that he finally was confident enough to start walking. I love my son more than I love life. I would give mine just so he could live if need be. Which makes what I need to vent on, that much more devastating to me.

His father and I no longer together – divorced. We discussed and agreed with the idea when we went to court that day that Adam would stay with me, live with me and be with his father on holidays and other days he want to see him. It was also agreed upon that there has to be an agreement if we were to move.

Those agreements became moot when his father decided that he wanted to move to Florida because he feels there’s nothing here in Cleveland, Ohio. No jobs, no opportunities, nothing. He’s sick of Ohio and been wanting to move since 2009 – before we got back together; before he searched for me. Well, now we have a son together and it has made me feel like I’m being selfish and unfair. The thing is, it’s been me and my son since the beginning. Yes, his father is in the picture but no where as near as much as I am. He says that’s killing him. I can totally understand that. We love our son with every fiber of our being, which makes him wanting to change the agreement we gave the courts from what it was to me having him every 6 months and his father having him for every 6 months is ridiculous to me.

I don’t want to do that. At first, I was in agreement but I wasn’t thinking about Adam and what it may do to him. He’ll be in a new place with new faces, without his mom. I’m not moving to Florida – that’s the plot-twist. I have my reasons for not moving with my ex-husband to Florida. Let’s just say that I’m not ready and I’ve expressed this to my ex-husband. He tried to tell me why I won’t move down there with him and then try and justify it. I’m simply not ready to make that move and I’m not going to do anything I feel is not in me or my sons best interest. Again, we figured he could be with me for 6-months and with his dad for 6-months. That sound good and all but I – again, was wondering what could this do to my son mentally, physically. So I changed my mind after thinking about it from a different view. My ex-husband then says, “Forget it, I’m not moving“. This is where I get pissed…

I don’t know what planet he’s from or where he got this idea that his entire world has to stop for his son. He too, has to live for his son. I told him that moving to a different state shouldn’t stop him from seeing his son. It’s men in worse situations and they still see their children. I told him, “there’s no excuse to why you can see your son when you want. Putting your dreams on hold because he’ll be living here in Ohio is just selfish“. It was like he was trying to guilt me into moving, at first and now, he’s trying to guilt me into changing the arrangements that we told the courts. We both signed the plan and we both told the judge that we agree to the plan.

To take him away from what he knows to a place he has to get to know, in my opinion will do more harm than good. I know his father wants him to meet the family members from his side, but I believe there is a time and place for that. I’m not trying – nor will I ever try to keep our son from his father; he knows this. I’m simply looking out for his well-being. Going back and forth every 6-months can’t be good for a child that young. For 6-months at a time, he won’t see me and he’ll get to wondering, and when he gets to that age where he starts asking questions, we’re going to have to answer them. What if he resents the back and forth? He doesn’t have a say in this, yet so how do we know this is for the best? What if he believes that I get sick of him and I send him to his dad every 6-months and vise versa? What if he ends up hating me? His dad? What does that do to a child mentally? There’s no balance, no stability.

Let’s not even get on the fact that I’ll be torn to pieces not being able to see my sweetie for months at a time. He’s all I’ve known and had these past 2 years. When I was going through the ups and downs with his father, I had him I could talk to and hold. I don’t know how I’ll feel not being able to kiss his fat cheeks and hold him in my arms – giving him hugs and telling him I love him. The first face he see in the morning is the same face he sees when he goes to bed at night. When he’s fussy and cranky because he’s tired, he runs to me and falls asleep in my lap. We have this unbreakable bond and it’s hurting me deeply that my ex would even think of a 6-month retreat to Florida. For that, it makes me more selfish than him and I know this. I just don’t know if my fears are fair, or not.

I also found higher-learning programs here in Ohio that I was planning on enrolling him in few a months after he turned two. I’ve never been to Florida, I don’t know anyone down there. My grandmother told me to get a lawyer, but I don’t think it needs to come to that. I don’t need this to turn into a huge custody battle. What I need is for my ex-husband to understand that this needs to wait until he can understand what’s going on enough to say, “I don’t want this” or. “I’ll be okay, mommy, I want to go to Florida with dad“…something! He’s not even talking yet. What if something happens and when he comes back from Florida, he can’t tell me? I will want the details that his dad will forget to tell me or keep from me.

It would not be healthy for custody of a young child to be split equally between family members who live miles and miles apart. Research indicates that babies need a primary caregiver with whom to build a secure attachment and that having several different people caring for them for long periods of time could stifle that kind of bonding.

People who knows my situation would say, “If I was you, I would be in full agreement in regards of having his dad have him for 6-months. You could get a lot of things accomplished in those 6-months and get that much-needed rest.” That may be true, but I’m more concerned about the well-being of my child. What if there are behavioral issues due to the sudden change in environment? What if he goes through a severe bout of separation anxiety? Call me paranoid, a helicopter mom, what…ever. At the end of the day, I love my son and I believe I’m looking out for his best interests.

His dad, doesn’t have a plan. He doesn’t have a job; he’s relying on his income tax return money to make this move. Where is he going to live? With his brother, wife and newborn child? That’s not a new start, that’s just moving in with someone else. He’s inconveniencing them if anything else. They may not say it, but  it’s true. If there’s no plan, he doesn’t have a place, a job, some kind of stability. Adam isn’t going anywhere. He’s in Ohio and he doesn’t have a place to stay, or a job. He can’t even provide for his son, now. Which is another fear of mine. I feel like I’m being selfish, but then again “I’m not leaving without my son” is a very selfish statement, too. “I want to teach him how to be a man“. Women have done that since the first deadbeat came into existence. To use that as an excuse, a crutch tells me that he doesn’t have anything else to go on. There are things in life a man cannot learn from another man. They have to learn things through their failures and successes.

What am I going to do?

 

“Your son cannot be the love of your life!”

The love of my life wearing my shoes.

I was told by someone I knew and once loved that my son could not and cannot be the love of my life. To tell people that Adam is the love of my life, the apple of my eye, my hero, is considered weird, unnatural, questionable. Why? He came from me. We bonded and were very close to each other before he was born. He kept me eating nonstop after all the nausea; kicked my ass during labor, too.

My love for my son is infinite. He’s my best friend and for a while I could tell him anything; tell him all my hopes and dreams – even told him when I was afraid of what he would think of his mom and that he could smell my fear of failure. He’d look up at me, smiling and cooing. He loves me for who I am and I, him. I live for him, he needs me and I need him, more than he’ll ever know.

He can drive an insane person crazy with his antics and all the things he can tear up and get into within 5 minutes but, I love him through it all. So why can’t my son be the love of my life? What’s so wrong with that? Who says that I can’t consider him as the only man I’ll ever love and would die for a million times over if I had to? No one comes before him…no one!

He stole my heart and when I looked at him for the first time, it was clear he stole my face, too. He’s my mini-me, my best friend, my only love, my sweetie. When he’s away from me – even if he’s in the next room napping or asleep for the night, I miss him. I stand over him and watch him sleep. I caress his hands and kiss his fat cheeks. I tell him I love him so very much and I’m happy that he’s in my life.

He’s the love of my life and anyone who feel uncomfortable with that, tough titty.

Update

Hello, all…

I, of course, have not been blogging, lately. For that, I apologize. There are so many things that has happened since the last blog I posted:

Adam is 20-months and still babbling…

The last I mentioned of this delay was before X-Mas. Well, it’s almost Easter and my son is still using the only words he knew then. So I’ve gotten in contact with CHSC – Cleveland Hearing & Speech Center to see if they can help me with his delayed speech. I’ve posted my concerns on Babble.com and the moms there gave me their advice on the matter. Some of them had sons who were just like mine and they waited and others got them evaluated. “It never hurts to be sure, so get him evaluated” one said, and so I made the appointment today and hopefully someone gets in contact with me, soon.

We are moving…

I’ve grown tied of Winton Manor and their horrible tenants. My neighbors are the epitome of the meaning “kids raising kids”. They keep my son up, they use foul language, they have more traffic than I-90 and the worst part is they wrestle and play around. All of this is happening around 1-3:00 in the morning because they slept all day. It’s like clockwork and I’ve grown sick of them and that MJM Management not doing anything about them. My son and I deserve better so for the time being, we’ll be staying with my grandmother until I can get myself together and find me another place. She’ll enjoy our company because most of the day she’s by herself. She loves her great-grandson.

I graduate in October…

Yep, in October, I’ll have my Associates of Arts Degree – majoring in Web Design. I’m proud of myself and hopefully, this will open up a lot of doors for me. I’ve since gotten job offers but had to turn them down due to my situation. There will be more in the future and better ones. I just hope I didn’t make a mistake turning down that last one; they were going to pay me $15.93 an hour just to fool around with websites.

Taking driving classes…

The classes cost $439.00 but in the end, it’ll be the best investment. I’m tired of waiting on someone to teach me how to drive, so I’m taking the initiative and doing things myself. The only issue, is coming up with the money. I’ll find a way. The classes are expensive yes but it covers 10 classes and they’ll pick me up and drive me off; plus a few other quirks. Again, best investment I’ve made so far.

Daycare again…

I’m thinking about sending my son back to daycare so he can flourish like he did before I took him out. He was really doing good and they taught him so much, even how to walk. They were nice, too. Asia‘s Little Angels will be the place I’ll go if I decide on taking him back to daycare. His friends and the people taking care of him probably miss him.

I guess that’s it for the update and I’ve made a promise that I’ll try and start blogging more again. I’ll see how that goes.

2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 2,900 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 5 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

 

A Letter to My 18-month-old Son

Hey sweetie,

You’re 18 months today and you are totally unaware of the evil that occurred, today. When I read that 20 children were slain today because of one person, all I could do was hold and kiss you. You got into so much today and you clocked me a few times with really solid and blunt objects (i.e. your toys) and all I could do was be grateful that you’re here with me. I listened to your laugh, your cries, your frustration; all of your emotions, today; it was music to my ears. The shooting that happened in Connecticut makes me want to shield you from the outside world. I want to keep you in my arms forever, but I know that I cannot.

It hurts to know that there are 20 children that won’t be here to open up their gifts this holiday. There are parents who will have to bury their little ones and say their goodbyes. I cannot begin to fathom the pain and anguish the parents are going through now, and I hope I never have to. When a parent lose a child, I don’t understand how they can live on from there. What pushes them forward? What gets them through the week? How can time ultimately make things easier for a parent who loses a child? I can’t seem to wrap my head around how strong they must be.

Adam, I tell you that I love you every day, at least 50-100 times. You are the center of my universe, the apple of my eye, my little sunshine. You’re my hero, you’ve saved me more than once and I thank you by showing you all the love I can give to you. I can’t picture my life without you in it and for that very same reason, I make sure I cherish every single moment I have with you; the good and the bad.

One day, I will no longer be here but by then you will be confident in knowing that I loved you more than life itself and would give my life protecting you.

I love you, sweetheart.

-Mom

Baby Daddy Drama: You Want to See Him Or You Can’t!

I’m black, if you haven’t noticed. We don’t exactly have good track records on who [we] lay down and have kids with. The guy usually ends up being a dead-beat once he finds out he may be the father. This is not one of those cases. I’m one of those who know exactly who I lay down and having unprotected intercourse with – or so I thought.

My son’s father is on a mission: a mission to piss me the hell off. We argue and disagree on the amount of time Adam Jr. gets to spend with Adam Sr. and it’s not much. He’ll say, “I can’t see him right now, I’m trying to get my life together and I can’t just bring him with me to my parents house because they may have things to do”. Well today, he get’s on Facebook and decides to blast me on my news feed. Saying that he had to “track me down” because I can’t send him a phone call. He knows his son is fine and he’ll know if he wasn’t. I can’t call anyone if my phone is lost and off. He’d be pissed if I used my ex-boyfriend’s phone to call him, right? Right.

That was some tracking down he did, I bet all it took was 2 minutes to log into Facebook and send me that asinine comment.

I’m getting sick of his excuses on why he cannot see his son. He works at the football stadium – 12-hour shifts and what kills me is he don’t work the entire week. The days he don’t work, he’s playing HALO 4 on his Xbox 360. Okay if he can play with people on a console in – I guess – a house that’s not his, he can see spend time with his son in the very same house, right? Right. I’m not the one being evasive here; I want him to spend time with his son.

The moment he get’s mad when things don’t go his way, he’ll make a statement by saying something he think will get under my skin. There’s only so many times he can mention Johnny, or Ced before it loses its effect. All of the times he think I’m avoiding his phone calls because he think I have company over, I’m usually asleep. I’m not avoiding his calls, I have a crappy phone with even crappier service and he’s constantly complaining about it but won’t buy me a new one.

For someone who can find a way to come and get my Turtle Beach headphones from me so he can talk to his friends on his Xbox 360 while playing Halo 4, he don’t have the same effort to come and see his son. I’m getting sick of his victimizing shit and the excuses – I’m fed up.

He wants to see him but he can’t. “I haven’t seen my son in a month (it hasn’t been no damn month) and I’m getting tired of having to track you down”. Wait, I thought you couldn’t see your son, I thought you had “to get your life together”? What happened to that? Are you having a bad day? Well, I don’t give a rat’s ass, you go ahead and have a bad day but leave me out of it. He needs to make up his mind before I make it up for him. He wants me to take him off Child Support but now that I think about it, why would I do that? He say’s he could pay me what they’re paying me but he’s not paying me a damn thing and they aren’t either. They can’t pay me if he’s not making squat! Even so, if he could pay me with whatever change he gets from working those 2 – maybe 3 days he actually show up, he wouldn’t pay me anyway. He got to “pay back his dad all the money he owe” and all the other people he borrowed money from.

What a load of shit I’ve gotten myself into…

Sh*t My Kid Ruined…

Nothing of note – yet, but, there have been some close calls…

Those close calls went straight out the window last month. This is the part – I guess – where it gets worse. Now that my son has gained coördination and a new-found life on his two feet, he’s a little tornado. He’s broken two mixing bowls, a bottle of my favorite syrup, a mug, he’s ripped my Game Informers (that I like to collect) in half, two of my video games and a bunch of other CDs. Sounds awful, right? Well, it may be just those things but, as I see it, this is the calm before the storm. The CD’s he ruined were OS CD’s and it’s hell getting those back.

What exactly can be “out of reach” for a 17-month-old who is 34-inches tall? By the time he’s 2, I’ll have to put all of my things in the closet and never open that closet again. I never seen a child grow so fast as he is; it has to be that damned milk he craves every waking moment. 

The good thing is that he doesn’t touch my rig (anymore – I’ll get to that later) or my laptop. Well, he’ll touch the laptop if it’s on and I’m using it. My Xbox 360 is no longer plugged in, so he’s lost his interest in that, and I put my Guitar Hero guitar away so he doesn’t get the urge to step all over it. I’m assuming the coins jammed in the CD disk tray and the crayons smashed in the hinges of the bedroom door, comes later, yes? Oh man I hope not!

I visited the site  “Sh*t My Kids Ruined once and that was the last time I was on there; which was before my son was thought of. I laughed and shook my head in pity, all the while saying to myself, “That’ll never be me…” Au Contraire, Asilee it is you, and there will be more you in the coming years.

I don’t think I’m ready. I cannot begin to see what the future may hold with my little hell raiser. As I look around my apartment wondering what could he possibly destroy and I don’t see anything. Maybe I’m looking at the wrong things. I’m looking at gadgets and gizmos when I should looking at bags of flour, sugar and canned goods that can one day become airborne.

The close calls I mentioned? Yea, about those. Uh, I almost lost my second child (was once my only child but now he’s the step-child people awkwardly gawk at at family reunions). My son (the 34-inch tornado) was about to make history. He was going to go down in my history book as the first and only person I know that could destroy $800-$1000 worth of parts. The second-child I speak of is my beloved gaming rig/means of work and school. When he deliberately walked up to my desk with my glass of water I sat on my kitchen counter and poured it on my desk, my computer’s life and all the work and money I put in to it flashed before my eyes.

This cup of water at the time was supposedly out of his reach and out of mind. I get distracted for two-seconds (that’s all it takes – I’m a believer) for sugar to turn to shit. As the water trickled and eased its way closer and closer to the end of my Step-child, all I could think of was, “You jinxed yourself. That’s what your ass get for laughing at those poor parents on that website”. I cursed at Karma while it eased closer and closer to my rig and found its resting place on the top of my rig (shudders). I immediately (not proud of this but it was the closest thing near-by) grabbed my sons shirt and got it off of him in 2 seconds flat and sopped up all the water that I could. Nothing else mattered at that moment. Absolutely. Nothing. Mattered.

Luckily, everything turned out fine. The water didn’t touch anything important and my computer lived to see another day. After I cleaned up all the water, I turned and looked at my son who was now sitting on the floor playing with his cars and said, “My computer, my electronics – period, will survive your childhood”. He didn’t even look up at me, probably because I said it in my head.

The other close call was when he spilled another karma filled cup of water near my Xbox. It was less dramatic since I slightly don’t care about that thing. I know you’re probably thinking, “Where are all these cups of water spawning from?” well, I like to drink water to stay hydrated because I tend to not eat because of how busy and tiring my life is so the least I can do is stay hydrated.

Story of my life.