A Life Changing Decision

mybaby

My son will be two this Friday, my doesn’t time go by fast. I remember sleepless nights and late night feedings like it was yesterday. I remember taking him to the zoo last year on my birthday, happy that he finally was confident enough to start walking. I love my son more than I love life. I would give mine just so he could live if need be. Which makes what I need to vent on, that much more devastating to me.

His father and I no longer together – divorced. We discussed and agreed with the idea when we went to court that day that Adam would stay with me, live with me and be with his father on holidays and other days he want to see him. It was also agreed upon that there has to be an agreement if we were to move.

Those agreements became moot when his father decided that he wanted to move to Florida because he feels there’s nothing here in Cleveland, Ohio. No jobs, no opportunities, nothing. He’s sick of Ohio and been wanting to move since 2009 – before we got back together; before he searched for me. Well, now we have a son together and it has made me feel like I’m being selfish and unfair. The thing is, it’s been me and my son since the beginning. Yes, his father is in the picture but no where as near as much as I am. He says that’s killing him. I can totally understand that. We love our son with every fiber of our being, which makes him wanting to change the agreement we gave the courts from what it was to me having him every 6 months and his father having him for every 6 months is ridiculous to me.

I don’t want to do that. At first, I was in agreement but I wasn’t thinking about Adam and what it may do to him. He’ll be in a new place with new faces, without his mom. I’m not moving to Florida – that’s the plot-twist. I have my reasons for not moving with my ex-husband to Florida. Let’s just say that I’m not ready and I’ve expressed this to my ex-husband. He tried to tell me why I won’t move down there with him and then try and justify it. I’m simply not ready to make that move and I’m not going to do anything I feel is not in me or my sons best interest. Again, we figured he could be with me for 6-months and with his dad for 6-months. That sound good and all but I – again, was wondering what could this do to my son mentally, physically. So I changed my mind after thinking about it from a different view. My ex-husband then says, “Forget it, I’m not moving“. This is where I get pissed…

I don’t know what planet he’s from or where he got this idea that his entire world has to stop for his son. He too, has to live for his son. I told him that moving to a different state shouldn’t stop him from seeing his son. It’s men in worse situations and they still see their children. I told him, “there’s no excuse to why you can see your son when you want. Putting your dreams on hold because he’ll be living here in Ohio is just selfish“. It was like he was trying to guilt me into moving, at first and now, he’s trying to guilt me into changing the arrangements that we told the courts. We both signed the plan and we both told the judge that we agree to the plan.

To take him away from what he knows to a place he has to get to know, in my opinion will do more harm than good. I know his father wants him to meet the family members from his side, but I believe there is a time and place for that. I’m not trying – nor will I ever try to keep our son from his father; he knows this. I’m simply looking out for his well-being. Going back and forth every 6-months can’t be good for a child that young. For 6-months at a time, he won’t see me and he’ll get to wondering, and when he gets to that age where he starts asking questions, we’re going to have to answer them. What if he resents the back and forth? He doesn’t have a say in this, yet so how do we know this is for the best? What if he believes that I get sick of him and I send him to his dad every 6-months and vise versa? What if he ends up hating me? His dad? What does that do to a child mentally? There’s no balance, no stability.

Let’s not even get on the fact that I’ll be torn to pieces not being able to see my sweetie for months at a time. He’s all I’ve known and had these past 2 years. When I was going through the ups and downs with his father, I had him I could talk to and hold. I don’t know how I’ll feel not being able to kiss his fat cheeks and hold him in my arms – giving him hugs and telling him I love him. The first face he see in the morning is the same face he sees when he goes to bed at night. When he’s fussy and cranky because he’s tired, he runs to me and falls asleep in my lap. We have this unbreakable bond and it’s hurting me deeply that my ex would even think of a 6-month retreat to Florida. For that, it makes me more selfish than him and I know this. I just don’t know if my fears are fair, or not.

I also found higher-learning programs here in Ohio that I was planning on enrolling him in few a months after he turned two. I’ve never been to Florida, I don’t know anyone down there. My grandmother told me to get a lawyer, but I don’t think it needs to come to that. I don’t need this to turn into a huge custody battle. What I need is for my ex-husband to understand that this needs to wait until he can understand what’s going on enough to say, “I don’t want this” or. “I’ll be okay, mommy, I want to go to Florida with dad“…something! He’s not even talking yet. What if something happens and when he comes back from Florida, he can’t tell me? I will want the details that his dad will forget to tell me or keep from me.

It would not be healthy for custody of a young child to be split equally between family members who live miles and miles apart. Research indicates that babies need a primary caregiver with whom to build a secure attachment and that having several different people caring for them for long periods of time could stifle that kind of bonding.

People who knows my situation would say, “If I was you, I would be in full agreement in regards of having his dad have him for 6-months. You could get a lot of things accomplished in those 6-months and get that much-needed rest.” That may be true, but I’m more concerned about the well-being of my child. What if there are behavioral issues due to the sudden change in environment? What if he goes through a severe bout of separation anxiety? Call me paranoid, a helicopter mom, what…ever. At the end of the day, I love my son and I believe I’m looking out for his best interests.

His dad, doesn’t have a plan. He doesn’t have a job; he’s relying on his income tax return money to make this move. Where is he going to live? With his brother, wife and newborn child? That’s not a new start, that’s just moving in with someone else. He’s inconveniencing them if anything else. They may not say it, but  it’s true. If there’s no plan, he doesn’t have a place, a job, some kind of stability. Adam isn’t going anywhere. He’s in Ohio and he doesn’t have a place to stay, or a job. He can’t even provide for his son, now. Which is another fear of mine. I feel like I’m being selfish, but then again “I’m not leaving without my son” is a very selfish statement, too. “I want to teach him how to be a man“. Women have done that since the first deadbeat came into existence. To use that as an excuse, a crutch tells me that he doesn’t have anything else to go on. There are things in life a man cannot learn from another man. They have to learn things through their failures and successes.

What am I going to do?

 

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3 thoughts on “A Life Changing Decision

  1. I’m in a similar situation, except that I am the one who wants to move. I have a degree I can’t use where we are though when I earned it I was still married and we expected to move somewhere the degree would be valuable. It would cost me about $4k in court costs to try and get permission to move and that’s not even a guarantee that I would get the green light to go. So I’ve resigned myself to living in this city that I cannot stand for (a maximum of) another seven years (til my youngest is 18). I’ve already lived here 11 years. I do my best to be happy, but I really hate it here so it always requires a distinct effort. I could give up my kids and leave, but I’d honestly never be able to live with myself if I did. I don’t want to leave them anyhow, and I still get all weepy whenever I have to send them to their dads for the week on/week off arrangement we have. So my sacrifice, for them, is that we will live here until they can make the choice of where they want to live. I work crappy low wage, part time jobs when I could easily be making 10 to 15 times as much somewhere else.

    It’s pretty unlikely a court would sign off on doing a 6 month switch custody order with your son so young. You both will probably end up in the same situation as me, where the courts will want you to pay for an evaluation and then decide what (they think) is best. I tried to offer a 6 month switch with the court here in California and they flat out refused it when my boys were 8 and 7 and said they were too young to be away from either parent for so long.

  2. You know I care about you and Adam I feel that you are doing the right thing by keeping him here with you because it’s a lot of stuff that he is to learn from you at this young age as he gets older things he can learn from his father and he will understand better keep your head up I’m always here for you no matter what.

  3. Six months means that just when he thinks his world is settled – he gets moved back again. New faces, new rules, new life.
    Sounds awful. For mom and for kid. Maybe three days every six months. But changing your life every six months, at an age when you barely remember last month’s activities? Doesn’t sound too good to me . . .
    I don’t know, maybe it IS a good thing. I can’t see it, though. Especially when the kid doesn’t know why it’s happening.

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